Star Cast: Henry Cavill, Bryce Dallas Howard, Sam Rockwell, Catherine O’Hara, Bryan Cranston, Dua Lipa, Samuel L. Jackson
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Director: Matthew Vaughn
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What’s Bad: Everything that’s occurring before the film ends
Loo Break: Not even a single one, you’ll get multiple chances to take a break while watching the film behind your phone’s screen
Watch or Not?: Only if you feel you haven’t killed your brain cells in a while
Language: English
Available On: Theatrical Release
Runtime: 2 hours 19 minutes
User Rating:
It starts with a super-spy Argylle (Henry Cavill) donning the worst haircut ever, solving a mission in Greece that ends on a cliffhanger. It’s until we get to know it’s just an imaginary story penned by a renowned Colorado-based spy novelist, Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard). She’s close to finishing the fifth book in the ‘Argylle’ series but isn’t satisfied with the ending.
To overcome her writer’s block, she decides to visit her mother, Ruth (Catherine O’Hara), while encountering a real spy on the train who’s a fan of her books. He thinks her fictional stories mimic reality & takes her help to solve a real case. All this was totally fine, but then the twist revealing Elle’s not a writer, forget that she’s not even Elle and her parents are not her parents making a chaotic mess to amalgamate facts with fiction without any proper substance.
Writer Jason Fuchs is confused! He wants to make a satirical parody as a tribute to the old-school spy movies but without being actually smart. He wants to inculcate the Bond/Bourne-level twists without really building up anything. He wants his leads suddenly to be romantically involved without making us feel anything about them. This helter-skelter treatment to the story, paired with the never-ending 139-minute runtime, would start annoying you sooner than it should.
Lee Smith, Tom Harrison-Read’s editing only works during the sequences when the film tries to mash Elly’s aberration with her reality; the fast cuts to depict both sides of the tale are done well. Its $200 million budget never justifies a single scene because everything looks so artificial, with backgrounds painted on cardboard, and the tone never settles in to be pleasing to the eyes.
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They did it bad to Henry Cavill! The reason why the hell he even chose to do this will haunt him forever because it’s done. He, as Argylle, trying to mimic the ‘spoof’ elements of this film has to be one of the cringiest sequences tried by an A-lister.
Bryce Dallas Howard is convincing but falls victim to obscure world-building, which stops addressing the loopholes after a point in time. She gets a couple of high moments, which are well-performed by her. Sam Rockwell as Adian starts as an enthralling character but settles down as the typical lover bot without any backstory.
Even Catherine O’Hara fails to lift the dead screenplay with her presence. Breaking Bad fans will get extra hurt after seeing what they’ve done to Bryan Cranston. John Cena, Ariana DeBose, Dua Lipa & Samuel L. Jackson‘s cameos are purely wasted, just like the budget of the film.
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If you thought Matthew Vaughn wouldn’t achieve a better low than ruining the Kingsman franchise, this is an altogether different beast. The makers have planned to turn this into a franchise & I’ve only three words for them – save your money.
I wasn’t aware Lorne Balfe had given the background score for this one because it’s so bad. It clearly sounds like Vaughn’s instructions to him were to “compose something spoofy because that’s what the theme is,” and Balfe did what was requested, which is not good at all. The problem isn’t the loudness; it’s the bothersome omnipresence.
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All said and done, I’m sure they would’ve imagined a better product than what they’ve made because if they’ve achieved their imagination with this one, they should’ve kept it to their brains.
Two stars!
Argylle releases on 2 February, 2024.
Share with us your experience of watching Argylle.
For more movie recommendations, read our Jason Statham’s The Beekeeper movie review
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